Sitting in my car trying to find something inside myself to want to get out of it and walk onto campus. Starting this semester, my first time in college or even back to school since I dropped out my senior year, I was so optimistic and set my goals so high and couldn’t wait to start. But here we are now 2 weeks from the end of my first semester and I just want to drive home and say F it. I don’t know what happened over the last few months but I don’t feel the passion like I used to or the will to want to go. I feel like all I’m destined for is motherhood and mediocrity. I feel myself pulling away from everything and I can’t seem to stop it. My responses in me and my friends group texts have decreased, I don’t go out to anything they invite me too anymore and I know that it will result in straining friendships I’ve had for 10+ years but I still don’t feel myself care. I can feel myself with my husband even, drifting off while he’s talking to me and not giving him my full attention. Or even half my attention. But with the kids, I am myself still. I feel bold and vibrant and genuinely myself and that I am fully fulfilled. That doesn’t mean at the end of the day that I don’t cry sometimes because of the overwhelming craziness and loneliness i feel. I know that probably sounds weird. How can she be lonely with kids and a husband and friends trying to hang out with her? And I have no idea. Parenting can be lonely, there are days I don’t talk to anyone over the age of 5 for over a day. Which may not seem like a lot but when there are multiple days a week like that it can get hard. I don’t know where my motivation is going and I feel like I’m literally watching it go but still can’t stop it.