It’s an age old tale of the good girl who falls in love with a bad boy and before anyone knows it she is stuck in a vicious cycle that the whole world sees except for her. This was me at 18. Before I knew it, 4.5 years passed, I was 22 and I had two kids and was raising them alone (but thats a different story).
I always thought of myself as being “street smart” when I was a teenager. I’m not sure why, Probably because I hung out with kids who thought they were street thugs in our cookie cutter suburban community, so I always thought I could handle myself in any situation and would always be able to tell if someone was manipulating or lying to me. I’m only 24 now but looking back now it makes me both laugh and cringe at how naive I was.
It honestly wasn’t until I met my now husband, that I noticed just how toxic my previous relationship was. I’d flinch at fast movements, feel so uncomfortable when he did something for me, feel even more uncomfortable if he paid for anything for me, didn’t know how to take a compliment and felt with each compliment I pulled away more and more. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions at first when I started piecing together how abusive my last relationship was since my backwards brain figured it out while I was just getting involved with a new relationship. At the time it didn’t feel right for me to discuss the puzzle I was piecing together in my head. Mainly because I didn’t want to offend my new boyfriend and didn’t want friends and family to think I was still hung up on him. Now it is a couple years later and the insecurities I have about myself and the place my brain goes when my husband is running late from work or hasn’t answered my phone calls are all results of me not confronting my emotions. My husband is a saint. Yea he can drink too much and has the best selective hearing on the planet, but he stepped up and has been the best dad for my oldest two and watching our family grow together has been simply beautiful. He doesn’t deserve me asking him 100x a day if he’s okay, happy, or if he wants to be with me. It genuinely hurts his feeling that the thoughts that go threw my head when I get in that insecure, irrational space are so negative about him. He never has made me feel unwanted. He always puts me and the kids first and is always surprising me and all the things a woman would want in a husband. I started going to counseling and since then I feel more secure and at peace with my past and my heart and brain don’t go to those negative places near as much. I know my husband is not my ex and that the two relationships are no where near similar. Our marriage wasn’t permanently damaged by old suppressed emotions and I faced the music.
Ignoring the trauma and emotions you feel from a past situation, whatever type of relationship it may have been, no emotion is too small to talk about. Even now I feel a little silly after this post and I don’t know why. I think I am still hesitant myself if my feelings seem small to someone else (which I am sure to some they do) but pushing hurt and negative experiences or feelings down and locking them in some dark box in the back of your brain will not stop the emotions for smacking you in your face one day. I am thankful everyday that my husband was understanding and not intimidated with the thought of me sitting in an office and talking to some woman about my last relationship/father of two of my kids for an hour once a week. Instead we started going to counseling together as well. It is possible to get over your trust issues and it is 100% possible to drop the baggage and move on to bigger and better things! Know your worth and know yourself. xo