No emotion is too small to talk about

It’s an age old tale of the good girl who falls in love with a bad boy and before anyone knows it she is stuck in a vicious cycle that the whole world sees except for her. This was me at 18. Before I knew it, 4.5 years passed, I was 22 and I had two kids and was raising them alone (but thats a different story).

I always thought of myself as being “street smart” when I was a teenager. I’m not sure why, Probably because I hung out with kids who thought they were street thugs in our cookie cutter suburban community, so I always thought I could handle myself in any situation and would always be able to tell if someone was manipulating or lying to me. I’m only 24 now but looking back now it makes me both laugh and cringe at how naive I was.

It honestly wasn’t until I met my now husband, that I noticed just how toxic my previous relationship was. I’d flinch at fast movements, feel so uncomfortable when he did something for me, feel even more uncomfortable if he paid for anything for me, didn’t know how to take a compliment and felt with each compliment I pulled away more and more. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions at first when I started piecing together how abusive my last relationship was since my backwards brain figured it out while I was just getting involved with a new relationship. At the time it didn’t feel right for me to discuss the puzzle I was piecing together in my head. Mainly because I didn’t want to offend my new boyfriend and didn’t want friends and family to think I was still hung up on him. Now it is a couple years later and the insecurities I have about myself and the place my brain goes when my husband is running late from work or hasn’t answered my phone calls are all results of me not confronting my emotions. My husband is a saint. Yea he can drink too much and has the best selective hearing on the planet, but he stepped up and has been the best dad for my oldest two and watching our family grow together has been simply beautiful. He doesn’t deserve me asking him 100x a day if he’s okay, happy, or if he wants to be with me. It genuinely hurts his feeling that the thoughts that go threw my head when I get in that insecure, irrational space are so negative about him. He never has made me feel unwanted. He always puts me and the kids first and is always surprising me and all the things a woman would want in a husband. I started going to counseling and since then I feel more secure and at peace with my past and my heart and brain don’t go to those negative places near as much. I know my husband is not my ex and that the two relationships are no where near similar. Our marriage wasn’t permanently damaged by old suppressed emotions and I faced the music.

Ignoring the trauma and emotions you feel from a past situation, whatever type of relationship it may have been, no emotion is too small to talk about. Even now I feel a little silly after this post and I don’t know why. I think I am still hesitant myself if my feelings seem small to someone else (which I am sure to some they do) but pushing hurt and negative experiences or feelings down and locking them in some dark box in the back of your brain will not stop the emotions for smacking you in your face one day. I am thankful everyday that my husband was understanding and not intimidated with the thought of me sitting in an office and talking to some woman about my last relationship/father of two of my kids for an hour once a week. Instead we started going to counseling together as well. It is possible to get over your trust issues and it is 100% possible to drop the baggage and move on to bigger and better things! Know your worth and know yourself. xo

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Parenting is hard, cut yourself a break

It is okay it wonder about what that other path would have been like

I have moments where I still wonder what life would have been like if I never got pregnant at 18. Where would I have gone to college? Where would I have lived? How much traveling would I have done? but then my brain always goes to, “Would it be more fulfilling than this? Could anything be more joyful and rewarding as this? Would I have actually done anything with myself if I wasn’t forced to grow up?” I’m usually snapped out of that daydream by “mama” being called 200x, a baby crying, or someone tattling on the other. I can wonder all I want when I feel like I can’t do this parenting business for another minute, but at the end of my daydream I never regret where I am today.

It is okay to fall short sometimes

I have times when I love the idea of being supermom. you know, getting up early and packing their lunches, pinning a bunch of ideas for them on Pinterest (and actually doing them), planning extravagant birthday parties and always being prepared for whatever disaster happens that day at the grocery store or play ground. Realistically I feel like I almost always fall short. Lunch ends up being a Lunchable for the 3rd day in a row thrown in a lunch box 8 minutes before we have to be at school, I end up spending $200 on supplies for all my Pinterest projects and never even actually do it (this ones my husbands favorite), I send birthday invites out a week before the party with a text and they are usually subpar at best, and I don’t even carry a purse and at least one kid is always shoeless, so I don’t know who I was kidding with that one. But my kids are still happy as ever. They don’t care how short you fall as long as you make up for it with “I love you’s” and an extra book at bedtime. Parenting is hard, cut yourself a break. (or pour yourself a drink)

 

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Where did my motivation go? 

Sitting in my car trying to find something inside myself to want to get out of it and walk onto campus. Starting this semester, my first time in college or even back to school since I dropped out my senior year, I was so optimistic and set my goals so high and couldn’t wait to start. But here we are now 2 weeks from the end of my first semester and I just want to drive home and say F it. I don’t know what happened over the last few months but I don’t feel the passion like I used to or the will to want to go. I feel like all I’m destined for is motherhood and mediocrity. I feel myself pulling away from everything and I can’t seem to stop it. My responses in me and my friends group texts have decreased, I don’t go out to anything they invite me too anymore and I know that it will result in straining friendships I’ve had for 10+ years but I still don’t feel myself care. I can feel myself with my husband even, drifting off while he’s talking to me and not giving him my full attention. Or even half my attention.  But with the kids, I am myself still. I feel bold and vibrant and genuinely myself and that I am fully fulfilled. That doesn’t mean at the end of the day that I don’t cry sometimes because of the overwhelming craziness and loneliness i feel. I know that probably sounds weird. How can she be lonely with kids and a husband and friends trying to hang out with her? And I have no idea. Parenting can be lonely, there are days I don’t talk to anyone over the age of 5 for over a day. Which may not seem like a lot but when there are multiple days a week like that it can get hard. I don’t know where my motivation is going and I feel like I’m literally watching it go but still can’t stop it. 

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